Catastrophizing Things

So last night I found out I hadn't scored quite as dolefully as I'd feared on my first Calculus B exam. I got a 70 (out of 100). Normally this would be nothing to kick one's heels over, but it is sufficiently better than the score of 40-50 (or worse) I was fearing that I did (figuratively, at least) kick my heels just a little bit, going home on the bus.

I passed.

Now, 70 is by no means a great score and there were swathes of the test where I was totally at sea, but I now at least feel that I am standing on a ledge that is attached (if barely, if tentatively) to the great body of my goal.

That metaphor is terrible! but perhaps you know what I mean. If not, what I mean is that if I work hard enough from here on out I might just "make it."

What does "making it" mean for me in this context?

For no quantitative reasons I can name, I feel as though if I can pull a B out of this course, I will have essentially succeeded in the grade realm. And I isolate "the grade realm" there because I would like to emphasize that that is not all I am concerned about -- my goal, after all, is knowledge.

The grade concern is borne mostly of a desire to have the eventual grade not impede any further progress, e.g. prevent me from going onward in any number of directions. Of course if disaster strikes here (as I am ever convinced it will) there is the option of retaking classes, but for obvious reasons that would not be my first choice.

The thing I am really excited about is that the bank of cloud in my brain seems to be thinning -- in selected directions. I felt this in section last night. That and the fact that I did not out-and-out fail the test make me feel that maybe -- just maybe -- I can do this, and not have to withdraw from the course after all.